Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
