Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
