Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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