I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
