my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
