after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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