i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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