Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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