he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
