dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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