Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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