my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Of course I have a pirate flag
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
