Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
