if you like me you must not know who I am
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Randomize
