Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
