We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
As shirtless as possible
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
