I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
