We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
