It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
