I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
