her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
