The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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