I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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