You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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