i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
