im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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