ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
