Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize