What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
