I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
