Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
