I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
