Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
