just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
