the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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