What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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