Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
