Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
