Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
