My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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