Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dignity is for republicans.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
