I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
they call him Oral-B. enough said
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
