He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
