i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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