don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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