Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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