I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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