Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
