that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
