I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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