All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
