she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
